Have you ever said the words, "This job/my life is so stressful!" Or something else along those lines? Most people believe that stress is something that happens in their lives. They believe it is the result of outside circumstances beyond their control. We are stressed if our work is too difficult. We get stressed when people in our lives aren't doing what we want them to do. We are stressed when it's been too long since a vacation. We get stress over deaths, weddings, major purchases and a host of other things. We talk as if stress is something outside ourselves---a condition of things in our external environment. It's not. Health professionals will tell us that stress is a contributing factor in many physical ailments---heart attacks, asthma, high blood pressure, stroke and many others. There are several diagnoses in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual IV, the diagnostic tool of therapists and psychiatrists that describe many stress-related disorders. Stress is a killer. Have you ever wondered why some people seem to handle stress better than others do? One individual may have all the life circumstances purported to cause stress in one's life but seem to be just breezing through his or her day, seemingly without a care, while another person gets a flat tire on the way to work and has a total melt down. How can this be explained? I intend to look at stress from a different perspective---a choice theory perspective. According to Choice Theory, all behavior is purposeful. This means that no matter what we do it is a purposeful attempt to get something we want. We are never simply responding to outside stimuli. You may ask, "What about when I flinch when I hear a loud noise?" The flinching is not a response to the noise, but rather your proactive way of staying safe. This may seem like I'm splitting hairs, but it is an important distinction to understand in this discussion of stress. Let me give you another example. You may think you get mad at your child for not cleaning his or her room after you asked several times. It sure feels as if the anger is in direct response to your child's behavior. However, your anger is actually your best attempt to get your child to do what you want. By displaying angry behavior, it is your belief that your child will go ahead and clean up his or her room. Any behavior or emotion we employ is a proactive, sometimes conscious sometimes not, attempt to get something we want, not a response to external stimuli. The same is true for stress. We are choosing stress as a proactive attempt to get something we want. This choice is almost never conscious, but I want it to become conscious for you. Once it is conscious, then you have the power to choose to do it differently if you so desire Since all behavior is purposeful, it helps to understand what possible benefits or purposes one could achieve by stressing. Who would ever choose that behavior for any benefit? I say stressing can be motivating. Many of us perform at our peak level when we have that adrenalin rush moving through our veins. Anyone who has ever waited until the last minute to study for a test or complete a project knows what I'm talking about here. Stressing can also be a way of telling others they better back off. I know when I felt stress, it was my unconscious goal to let my boss know she had better not ask me to do one more thing or I just might lose it! I would send out signals of overwhelm---lots of sighing, threatening looks, irritability, loss of humor. I have to admit that since I didn't do it very often, it was quite effective. Whenever I was stressed, my boss generally left me alone to do my work. Stressing can also get us the help we need. When the message is out there, others may rally around us to support us. People may actually offer to do some things for us so we can reduce the overwhelm. Another possible benefit is that stressing can provide us with recognition. People may say, "Wow, look at _____________. I don't know how he/she gets all that done. It's amazing!" There are some who appreciate this positive recognition. One final thought on stressing benefits. . . When we stress long enough, we may develop physical symptoms. In Choice Theory, Dr. Glasser tells us that are behavior is total, meaning it is comprised of four inseparable component---the action, our thoughts, our feelings and the physiology of our body or whatever our body is doing at that moment. When we don't take care of managing our stress levels, our physiology takes over and creates physical symptoms for us. Now remember, I said all behavior is purposeful and physiology is a part of the total behavior. Do you understand the purpose of the physical symptoms that accompany prolonged stress? Of course, it is our body's way of telling us we have to stop or slow down. It produces the physical symptoms that are hard to ignore. When we attend to them, we get the rest we need and therefore reduce the stress. Can you see how all behavior is purposeful? If you are experiencing the effects of stress in your life, I am not suggesting that you are to blame. What I am saying is that up until this point, you have been doing absolutely the best you know how, consciously or unconsciously to get something you want by stressing. If you can pinpoint what the benefit(s) of stress is/are to you, then you can look at ways to get what you need without having to stress. Read More..
We All Need More Patience - NOW!
Patience is often the most confusing of virtues. For one thing, many people don't realize that patience is learned! It doesn't come naturally for most of us. Here are three areas in which patience really does pay:
1. Goal setting. You've heard the saying that anything good is worth waiting for. This doesn't mean simply sitting and doing nothing, waiting for great things to happen to you. You have to make them happen! When you sit down and write out your goals, give yourself a realistic time frame. Remember, Rome wasn't built in a day. Set mini-goals within larger goals so you can get a better visual of your progress. You'll feel motivated by your accomplishments when you see your plan developing.
2. Learning new skills. As we get older, it's not as easy to learn new skills. We can become discouraged, and feel like giving up. People who have been out of the work force for many years are completely out of the technology loop, and it can be challenging to get up to speed. Having a broken bone is the best lesson in patience. Not that I'm suggesting you do anything dangerous, but in this case patience is born out of necessity. You learn how to do everyday tasks in a different way in order to stay mobile. Taking up a sport, such as karate or yoga, may feel awkward at first but with practice suddenly you feel like a pro. I didn't get my enchiladas right the first dozen times, but now they are restaurant quality. If I had given up after that initial soggy mess, I don't know what I would serve at family reunions.
3. Tolerance. Sometimes patience can mean enduring or persevering in a difficult situation. We've all had issues with bad drivers or demanding bosses – even dial-up Internet can make our blood pressure go up. But we can use these as opportunities to grow our patience. Instead of screaming at your kids when they're not ready for school, think of all the times they've had to wait on you. Impatience can make people lose their temper and say something they really don't mean. By contrast, patience promotes peace.
In this age of instant gratification, it is increasingly difficult to accept what is out of our power. Learning patience is truly an art. But it is an art worth learning for your own health, happiness, and healing.
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Anger Management Strategies And Advice
This article looks at strategies and gives advice to help people control their anger. I am sure that we all become angry from time to time and want to lash out at the people who are annoying us or who have let us down. This is course is not the answer and the article gives tips on how we should be responding to these situations.
I used to easily become angry and could not believe the way certain people were treating me. I wanted to teach them a lesson which would help them to mend their ways. The only way I could think of responding was by shouting at them, threatening them or by using violence against them.
I will give you an example of a situation where a person basically cheated me out of a large sum of money. I was looking at turning my front garden into a driveway and I had a number of people around to the house, all of which gave me a quote for the work.
I decided to accept a quote from John who seemed a very nice and trustworthy man. Him and his team spent a couple of days laying the drive during which I was keeping them well supplied with foods and drinks, we all got on very well.
He advised me not to park my car on the new drive for a few days to let it settle and become hardened. I waited a week and then drove my car onto the new driveway. To my horror the driveway dipped and I later found out from a friend that they had not put any hardcore (I think that is what it is called) down.
I tried to contact John but he did not answer his phone, I went round to see him and he would not answer his door. I became more and more angry and started to plan my revenge.
Walking away
I had many options through the courts which I could and did pursue. It was a lengthy process and John basically did not have any money to repay me despite eventually admitting responsibility.
I have now decided to let nature take its course and to walk away. This is not just from the situation above but from any similar event.
When me wife annoys me, I will just walk away to compose myself. I was once told to count to ten which is certainly a good idea. Being angry, like the way I always used to be, is not good for my health and causes me to become stressed, to become depressed and to lose sleep.
I now see people as apples in a bucket. Out of ten apples, three will be rotten. Instead of feeling angry at the rotten apples, I feel sorry for them.
I firmly believe in God and have now decided that I do not need to seek any form of revenge as he will be judge and jury on judgement day. At this stage these people will have nowhere to hide.
Living life this way is far easier for me and I only wish I had had this approach and form of anger management technique, years ago.
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